langkau fiction

That thing has just finished and the strange bunch of crowds hanging out at Ruai bar for the past weeks has fizzled out. It’s now gradually morphing into its usual self with the elder regulars reclaiming their stools at the bar. I was there on Tuesday evening with the usual plan of ‘one or two beers’ but ended wrapping up the evening at around 2am.

I can still remember when my demented kanid called me one early evening “Eh, kanid, come over to Peter’s place across the road!” I was peacefully sipping my bir at Havana at the time when he interrupted me. Being the one who was constantly bullied as a kid, I obeyed my kanid‘s summon. Paid my tabs at Havana and I walked across the road to meet up with my demented kanid and Peter, the owner of Ruai.

Ruai was still at its infancy then. At the time, the entrance did not really look like an entrance. It looked more like a huge hole in the wall. I went through the hole entrance into the dimly lit room. There was no air-condition at the time. The fan wasn’t working and I started to perspire. There were workers knocking down parts of the wall while some were bringing all kinds of junk (Peter called it “furniture”) into the premise. There, amidst the dust blanketing the air, I saw an outline of my demented kanid and Peter joyfully sipping their Tiger beers. The demented kanid made that obnoxious monkey sound, calling out to me to join them. So, I walked to their table and the rest, as they say, is history. That was almost three years ago.

Ruai in September 2007 (after going through several renovations since it opened months before)

Oh, my demented kanid told me about this young kid who now goes to Ruai regularly. A couple of months back, the kanid was approached by this young kid who told him, with a knowing wise-man expression on his face, “So, my demented friend…hhm…now you know where all the cool people hang out, eh?” He said that with full confidence assuming my kanid have never stepped into Ruai before. Being demented and drunk, my kanid just replied the young kid “er…yeah…er…it’s a cool place.” Yeah, nowadays, Ruai is swarmed by younglings who ‘want to see and to be seen’.

This picture used to be in the toilet

If you go to the men’s toilet, you will see four statues made of belian wood. (Sidenote: It used to be a toilet for both sexes but now, there’s a toilet for the ladies) One of the things that remain more or less the same since Ruai’s birth are the four statues guarding the toilet. Sometimes, I’d just go to the toilet to give them a visit, y’know, asking how they’re coping with the toilet job. They don’t usually answer. Maybe they’re shy.

Left to right: Nyumboh, Bengkang, Sundal and Empliau Ngerising Engkelan Ruas

I also gave them names.

Nyumboh is actually a macaque who desperately wants to become human. He was influenced by that 1980s TV series called the A-Team and wanted to be the B.A. Baracus character, as he thought the character looked very much like him. About three years ago, he went to see the hermaphrodite monkey godling, asking the great godling to transform him into a human being. The great monkey godling told Nyumboh that it is almost impossible for him to become human unless he could keep still. Just keep still. “You macaques are known to be mischievious to the human eyes, surely you don’t think the humans would accept you even when you become one of them,” the monkey godling told Nyumboh. “In order for you to become one of them,” he whispered to the disheartened macaque, “you’d have to keep still for an indefinite time under filthy and chaotic circumstances. Slowly but surely – and sometimes, probably – you would become one of them.” Nyumboh wiped his eyes, looked up to stare at the great monkey godling’s axe-shaped phallus and asked “Really? Could I be…become…one of them?” The great monkey godling put a hand on Nyuboh’s shoulder, consoling him and answered “Just look at W. Bush. If he can make it, so can you.” Nyumboh was so happy and cried tears of joy, saying “I will keep still! I will keep still! Send me to that filthy and chaotic place and I SHALL BE STILL!” The great hermaphrodite monkey godling nodded his head in approval and paused to say “Oh, I almost forgot, once you turn into a full human being, please surrender your I.C. at the national registration counter. Now, go, my disillusioned macaque. May the fart be with you!”

Bengkang is a descendant of the slow loris. When he or she was born, his or her parents sensed something was amiss about their new offspring. (Sidenote: I use ‘he’ or ‘she’ because I couldn’t determine the sex — and neither could his or her parents!) They discovered that his or her legs were longer than most slow loris living in the zoo. When he or she was three and a quarter years old, his or her hair started to fall off. By the age of three and a half, Bengkang’s hair were completely gone! The father suspected that his wife had an affair with one of the zookeepers while he went traveling to the next cage. It was not until Bengkang grew to more than two feet tall – beyond a slow loris’ natural growth – that the mother admitted that she had slept with the zookeeper. The zookeeper, in his attempt to sneak out of the cage, slipped and fell into the lion’s den. The zookeeper was mercilessly mauled by the lion. Bengkang’s father was distraught, went to the macaque’s cage, stole the macaque’s Label 5 (which was stolen earlier from the human kitchen), and drank it to the point of oblivion. The father never woke up. It was then the slow loris knew that they can’t drink alcohol. Seeing this and realizing his or her awkward body structure, Bengkang then left the zoo with the rest of the Madagascar crew, disguised as one of the penguins. We don’t know how he or she ended up in Ruai’s toilet.

Sundal was one of the first guardians of Ruai toilet. I met her more than two years ago. Sundal doesn’t talk much. She costs RM1,500 though.

Empeliau Ngerising Engkelan Ruas is a unique character. He’s actually of mixed parentage. His father was Symphalangus syndactylus (a siamang) and the mommy was Hylobates agilis albibarbis (a Bornean gibbon). But in terms of behavior, his family was dramatically different from their genera. When Empeliau Ngerising Engkelan Ruas was still a kid, his mother used to make pansoh babi (pork cooked in bamboo) for him on the forest floor. Unlike other gibbons or siamangs, Empeliau Ngerising Engkelan Ruas’ family do not live or swing in the trees. Empeliau Ngerising Engkelan Ruas’ paternal grandfather died while swinging in the trees at Endau Rompin national park when his father just reached puberty. He was their best swinger. When Empeliau Ngerising Engkelan Ruas’ parents got married, his father managed to convince his gibbon mother that they must not live on trees anymore because it’s so damn dangerous. Since then, they lived on the forest floor like all the other terrestrial animals. Empeliau Ngerising Engkelan Ruas’ family emulated some of the human behaviors they encounter in the forest and decided to adopt their way of living. They even hunted for wild games. It was then that Empeliau Ngerising Engkelan Ruas developed the addiction for pansoh babi. One day, he was so hungry that he grabbed the ruas (bamboo) from the fire place and gulped everything inside it. Somehow, the ruas slipped through his hand and went into his mouth, through the throat and into his stomach. It got stuck there and as he grew older, the body structure took shape of the ruas that is still lodged inside his body. When his parents discovered Empeliau Ngerising Engkelan Ruas lying on the floor, they saw him grinning with his eyes wide open. They could see the bottom of the ruas protruding from his mouth and decided to cut of that part so he could still be fed through the hole. They told him that he must not eat pansoh babi anymore and that he should venture out into the cities and find himself a job. And only eat kolo mee. Like Bengkang, no one knew exactly how Empeliau Ngerising Engkelan Ruas ended up in Ruai’s toilet.