langkau fiction

I’ve got a call from Yuen last night to ask if he and his friend could come over to my place for a drink. Whenever someone calls to ask if they could join me for a drink at home, I rarely refuse. It’s alcohol and rightly, it should be shared. With drinking buddies. I told Yuen that I don’t have much beer supplies in my fridge save for half crate of Stella. He said “Don’t worry, my friend brought a liquor for you from the States! We can drink the beers while you taste the liquor. We’re not going to touch it!” I thought that sounded frightening. His friend just came back from the U.S.and.A yesterday and wondered if I’m interested in their moonshine.

They got to my place at around 7.39pm while I was getting the fire ready for barbecuing the beef. It was supposed to be fish but the fish went bad, so I had to fry it for the pups. We had a couple of beers while the liquor was carefully installed in the freezer. After an hour or so, I asked Will if he meant to preserve the thing he brought in my freezer. Before he could answer, I told Yuen to bring that bottle out and give it a try. Will gave a disgusting look and kindly informed me “Just by hearing you say would make me feel like vomiting!” Are these kids trying to scare me or what? So, Yuen passed me the bottle and it was brand new. Again, Will’s face grimaced symbolizing that universal expression of disgust.

The bottle was called Everclear and never in my drinking career I’ve seen so many warning statements on the bottle’s label. It’s just a short way of saying “DO NOT DRINK THIS!” but of course, it’s business and someone wants to make money out of it. Basically, Everclear is a grain alcohol (whatever that means lah, maybe as opposed to rice-based alcohol?) containing 95% alcohol…and 190 proof!!! Now, how is that possible laa? 190 proof?! It made me wonder if the thing was even made for drinking. I took off the cap and smelled the bottle’s content. The vapor rose and seeped into my nose. For a while, I thought there was almost an absence of smell, which reminded me of a mixture between vodka and gin. I made the decision to slowly pour a capful into the charcoal ember just to see what would happen to the beef on the BBQ set. And immediately, flames came out of my BBQ pit as if I had poured gasoline into it! And the charcoals were not even burning, just ember-ish. My gosh! Damn.

I poured a third of a shot into my glass while both Yuen and Will watched me doing my stuff. Why did they bother letting me try it in the first place, I don’t know. So, a third of a shot. What harm can that small amount do, right? I quickly sipped it and the only good thing about it is that it did not have any disgusting smell. But my lips burned a bit and so, I downed it with a glass of water. Gradually, I could feel the heat got stuck somewhere in my throat while the remnants explored my inner organs, first my chest, then my stomach. In the next few minutes, I could feel it all over my body, crawling like liquid creepers and my skin experienced severe goosebumps. Damn, I thought. It was only after 10 minutes that the thing decided to enter my head. And that was it, my vision became slightly blurred, my stomach continued churning, my chest became hot (not as in ‘hot sexy’ ah..), my throat felt it had a burning cotton ball in it and my limbs were clueless on what to do next. I wasn’t sure if I was in heaven or hell…

As if satisfied but still with that disgusting expression on their faces, Yuen and Will called it a night after only a couple of hours at my place. They didn’t even want to taste the thing. It’s like they came to my place with that deadly bottle and made me their experiment. After they left, I went into my living room trying to get something – anything! – done to keep me distracted from thinking about Everclear. But the thought of it refused to dislodge itself from my memory especially with my body reacting to it. I got tired in that struggle of confusion and disorientation, and finally slept on the sofa.

I woke up this morning with that strange but sort of familiar ache around my body. My head’s still not clear though. I’m not even sure if I’m having a headache or something. Strange drink indeed.

Due to a simple mismanagement of financial supply this month, I’ve resorted to eating can food for the past couple of days. I’ve stored enough can food in my kitchen cabinet to sustain my life whenever I run short of cash should a nuclear war breaks out between Singapore and Faroe Islands. Anyways, this poor imitation of poverty will hopefully end tomorrow once I get my paycheck from the Slavemaster. And I have RM8.00 cash in my wallet now, which should hypothetically nourish my physical being until tomorrow.

Last night, as I was preparing for ‘dinner’, I came across an amusing label on the can that contained pork stew. The label said “Mengandungi babi”, which literally translates into “Contains pig”.

A short moment after reading the label, I started to laugh so hard that my puppies took the opportunity to run into the house, thus breaching the Man & Dog Agreement 2008*, to investigate the hysterical noise in the kitchen. They stared at me and tilted their heads to one side like what dogs usually do as if in bewilderment. Well, the label itself may not be that funny to you but the misuse of the Malay language cracked me up. The label should have just said “Tidak halal” (meaning “Not halal“) or at the very least, “Mengandungi daging babi” (meaning “Contains pork”), which I think is more than a sufficient warning to those who practice the religion that prohibits eating pork. For a while, I imagined a pig being squeezed into the can. And with that tiny picture of a pig on the label, how could you not imagine so?

On the subject of food, an important element of life that is relatively lacking in my house at the moment due to my financial constraint, I went to Danu last weekend because I heard that it’s not been raining there for the past five days. This is good news, first, because it’s supposed to be the dry season between April and July. For some strange reason, it rained almost on a daily basis last April. Those who pretend to know about the weather would explain “climate change” as the reason. Er, hellooo? Of course, it’s climate change. Even my deaf and half-blind paternal grandaunt who’s never watched National Geographic channel knows it’s climate change!

Another reason why the dry spell is good news is that there will be more fruits this year. If it rains at this time of the year, the fruit trees particularly the durian would not bear lots of fruits. Dry season also means the river will be abundant with fish and all other marine creatures (mermaids not included). When I arrived in Danu last Saturday, they were all talking about the frogs, river snails and fishes they caught the night before. Frogs, of course, is a delicacy and to hunt for it at night is always fun. Naturally, my lunch there was served with frogs and some fermented fish. Yum!

A bowl of frogs

These wild creatures, big or small, hunted for food are always delicious no matter how you cook them. It definitely contains more nutrition than my canned pork stew that mengandungi babi. So, I wasted no time finishing that bowl of frog soup, of course, with the occasional sips of langkau.

The kid seems to enjoy the frogs too

In fact, almost every time I go to the kampung to visit my friends, I’m always served with all kinds of wild meat. The meat is best eaten as snacks or tabas as the locals would call it during a langkau session. Sometimes, they would give me some either smoked or fermented wild meat to take home. Every time I declined their offer, they’d always remind me that, apart from instant noodles and can food, I don’t have food at home.

Meat of a banded civet (see the palm?)

Two weekends ago, I went to Sadir as I was told that a group of my friends had shot some terrestrial mammals not far from their village. Among them were the common banded palm civets or musang, the notorious nocturnal creatures that commonly hunts for other small mammals and sometimes, domesticated fowls. Some macaques also successfully made it into the casualty list and included in the lunch menu.

Oh well, all this talk of food is making me hungry now. Got to go home and open that can of sardines for dinner tonight. Come to think of it, even my pups’ food is more nutritious than mine….*sigh*

* Section 3.2.1 (d) of the Man & Dog Agreement 2008 states that “Mammals on four legs are not allowed to enter the living room beyond the doormat”

As if demonstrating his sense of humor by creating the platypus was not enough, god decided to do another HA-HA-VERY-FUNNY joke on me. I will not write too much about it because it’s very, very painful but fuckin’ FC Inter Merda won the Serie A for the third consecutive season! (well, the ones last two season don’t count because they did not win it on the pitch)…aaand….just for the fun of it, the same almighty creator decided to help Osvaldo score a beautiful goal for Fiorentina to win against Torino, the only goal of the game that consolidated the fourth place ticket to the Champions League next season.

Which also means that my beloved AC Milan – who decided to fuck up their own destiny – will NOT compete in the Champions League next season since they’re anchored in fifth place. Although this entitles them to play in the UEFA Cup, this is a tournament that has very little significance to a club that has won more international silverwares than any other clubs. It’s like seeing the Brazil national football team changing to playing ping pong. I am so bloody pissed off! Ok, ok…to be fair to Fiorentina, they deserved to be in the top four. But playing in the Champions League? Oh, no. They’ve played well for most of the season while Milan decided to be fucking complacent in their matches, especially in matches they should have won. If they could achieve the great results in the last several games (except for the Napoli game), then how in the world of Tin Tin does it make sense that they did not to do well in the mid season?

Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. aaaaargggh…

p.s. – If I’m not mistaken, didn’t the UEFA or English FA allow Liverpool to compete in the Champions League in the 2006-07 season despite not making the top four in the EPL as required to qualify? I think Liverpool finished fifth in the league that season while fourth-placed Everton were excluded from the tournament. Liverpool were allowed to compete in the 2006-07 tournament as the 2005 defending champion. If this is the logic, doesn’t Milan deserve the same treatment as well since they’re the 2007 defending champion? Or does UEFA only favor the EPL clubs?

These couple of days have been kind of weird. Whatever I think or do doesn’t seem to make sense. I’m now in the process of experiencing that extreme swaying of emotions oscillating between elation (because in that particular frozen moment in time, I’ve discovered the meaning of happiness) and depression (because I get easily pissed off with situations I do not understand or generally, feeling unmotivated with life). It’s not a good feeling, really. I’d normally say, “What the fuck is wrong with the world?” Or more to the point, what in Doraemon’s name is wrong with me? Yeah, yeah. I know. It’s all about me. Me. Me. Me. But seriously, you’d be lying to yourself if you say “It’s not my fault, it’s you who [add in the blank yourself]“. There’s also this tendency to blame the generic sense of being: “It’s the world that’s causing this problem, it’s got nothing to do with me!” In fact, the only time (that I know lah) when “me” is playing a significant role in a certain situation is during the breaking up of a relationship. “No, no…it’s nothing to do with you. It’s me. So, I think it’s better that we end this relationship. Remember, it’s not you. It’s me.” But for hopeless individuals like me, whose hope in life depends on the existence of the invisible beings that – as Samuel Taylor Coleridge argues – number more than visible beings i.e. us, I need to have reassurance in understanding situations that do not make sense. In this time when stupidity reigns wild, failure to understand this could lead to a mental breakdown, emotional instability and at times, the random eating of house geckos.

Last night, for instance, I decided to go to Ruai for some beers knowing very well that I’m as broke as hell. Damn it, even the demons in hell aren’t broke as me. I was supposed to meet up with a good friend but she had some work to do. So, what was I to do at home alone? Well, actually I am usually at home alone and it never posed an issue. But last night was different. So, I needed a beer. At Ruai. Even when I’m broke. So, I called my ever reliable kanid, Tiung, to join me at the bar. We drank our beers very slowly so as not to finish those precious amber-colored juice quickly because we were both I was broke. Our topic of conversation was quite random, relating to the world of finance. At one stage, he asked me: “Do you know how much would it take for you to get out of your debt, your abstract worries and be happy for the rest of your fucking sad life?” I said no, I don’t know. “RM17million, bro. Fuckin’ RM17million!” The only rational thought that I could conjure in my mind then was “Is that good or bad?” I went home by midnight, not feeling any better than that thought of living a depressing, lonely life. Damn Thomas Hardy…oh, no, no. I mean, damn me.

This morning, something out of the ordinary happened. My black dog, Semiyat, was running awkwardly all over the car porch while the stupid one, Kabang, was engrossed in the drain. Semiyat kept on rubbing its ass on the floor as if trying to wipe a stubborn piece of shit stuck in its ass hole. And guess what? There was a stubborn shit stuck in its ass hole! Damn shit, man! What the fuck is wrong with the world now? I summoned for Semiyat like how a macaque summons for one of its lovers. It came walking awkwardly toward me and I saw this long line of thumb-sized shit stuck in its ass. I could have told Kabang to come over and y’know, assist me in this operation of pulling that weird shit out of his sister’s ass hole. But they’re dogs, what do they know about cooperation. I grabbed a plastic bag and wrapped it around my hand like a glove. Slowly, I pulled that stubborn piece of shit out of Semiyat’s ass. Of course, the poor pup was whining in pain but what to do laa? I can’t have her running the whole day with that thing dangling out of her ass, can I? When I inspected the ‘content’ of the shit, it was full of fiber and some green plastic stuff. I thought “What in the name of Cicak Man did you eat? I didn’t feed you with this.” Apparently, after making a careful incision with nails, I discovered that the fabric was a pieces of cloth. I wished for the pup to understand the human tongue when I asked it “Where did you get this? More importantly, why the hell did you eat this…er…piece of cloth?” But alas, dog is dog. Man is man. Different. And the green stuff? It’s the small plastic fence I have lying behind the house for ‘caging’ purposes. When I went round the back to investigate the things, true enough, it was severely destroyed! I shook my head. I’m going all stupid now…

And this morning, as I was supervising the workers fixing the grills in my dad’s apartment, another revelation of stupidity dawned on me. I specifically told the guy please do not cut through the cornice in the ceiling if the grill doesn’t fit, ok. If it doesn’t fit, you should cut the grill to fit it in, ok? “Ok, ok, ok. Saya tau. Titak apa..”, he assured me. As I was sitting at my dad’s table in the living room, I was wondering what he meant by “Titak apa“, and translated it as “That’s ok.” What did he mean by ‘it’s ok’, I suddenly thought to myself. Quickly, I walked to the balcony at the back of the apartment, and on my way there listening to the sound of grinder against the wood, there he was casually cutting through the cornice! I told him “Eh, eh, eh…jangan potong ley…” and he looked at me in confusion “Titak apa punya, boleh potong ley“. In that instant moment, oh, my head. My sanity. What’s wrong with me? Oh, oh…god of earth and altar! I sighed and told him to continue…

Oh, I can just go on and on babbling about situations in life that I do not understand but I’m tired now, and I’m in desperate need of beers. At Ruai. But I can’t. Why? Because I’m broke. So, it’s going to be another lonely Friday evening. Shit.

Actually, this post isn’t about work. Well, maybe in a way, it is but it’s not really. It’s about the meaning of life, demotivation and severe disillusionment. Probably. Or maybe it’s something else altogether.

Last Saturday evening while enjoying my cans of Tiger at home, one of my bosses called me up. I looked at the time — 10.21pm — wondering why would she call me up at this time of the night. I asked myself in a not-so-sober state of mind “How can I possibly be of any use in the world of work at this time of the night?” I answered the phone and before I could say “How can I possibly be of any use….”, she asked me if I know of any car rental company. I said no. Ok, do I know anyone who can rent out their cars for a couple of days? I said no. And before she continued asking me if I had seen a pangolin crossing the street in a pink underwear this afternoon, I asked her why is she coming up with these questions. She said she has some friends from the States a.k.a. United States of America who landed in Kuching for a visit. Apparently, this guy and his wife – in their late 50s or early 60s – are renown intellectuals and asked me if I’ve heard of their names. I said, of course. She continued asking me if there’s anything interesting in Kuching to see and I asked her what does she mean by ‘interesting’. I mean, for me, drinking beers in Ruai with fellow Star Wars characters is interesting; watching one of my dogs obsessed with the drain is interesting; thinking about life-changing moments through near-death experience is interesting; mumbling incoherent sentences after a tonne of Tiger is interesting; listening to someone citing Chuck Norris jokes is interesting….and she said “No, no, no, not your kind of ‘interesting’. I mean, does Kuching have any places considered as of sociological interests? They are interested in places that have sociological interests!” Sociological interests? Of course, neraka berdarah, I forgot they were “renown intellectuals”. So, I told her “Er…yes, they do.” She was silent for a couple of seconds, and as if in doubt asked me “Where?” In my drunken stupor, my mind decided to take its own course and I told her that it’s not a question of “where” but…er…”how”. In my heart, I told myself “Stupid, stupid boy! What am I saying? Mind, stop doing the talking for me!” But my mind did not listen. I blurted involuntarily “Would Eric Wolf’s concern with the integration of peasant societies into the world system be considered as ’sociological interests’? Or how about Karl Marx’s argument that serfs will eventually evolve into peasants as a result of intrusion of capitalism does not really apply to many societies here – is that of ’sociological interests’? Or how the peasants here would find it impossible to overthrow capitalism as how Franz Fanon had argued – will that be considered as ’sociological interests’?” If the answer is yes to any of the above, then I’d say “Yes, Kuching does have places of sociological interests.” And as a bonus offer from moi, I would personally take the two renown intellectuals with me to those places on one condition: I am exempted from going to the office on Monday. “Ok, that’s a deal! Great!”, she said.

So, I picked up the two guests from their hotel and drove them to the kampung outside of Kuching. I think they were okay with the places though they did not drink the langkau that the folks offered. As for me, it was a good retreat from this world of work. I don’t usually like Mondays but this particular Monday was good. My friends in the kampung asked me how did I manage to get off work and visit them on a Monday, as I usually visited them on the weekends. I told them it’s a long story and don’t ask too many questions, just drink the langkau laa…