langkau fiction

It’s been quite a busy..and costly weekend. Everything went chaotic primarily because I needed to be at different, distant places almost at the same time. About 800km in between to be an exact approximate! This is just to please friends and relatives who expected me to be at the most important event of their lives – marriage! Last Friday I had to take leave from my job and leave for Miri to attend a close relative’s wedding in the afternoon on the following day. And because of many travel plans with different airlines come the weekend, a thing which is very unlike me occured. I had totally forgotten about the time of my flight to Miri on Friday! For some reasons, I thought my flight was scheduled at 3pm where in fact the plane is scheduled to leave at 12.30pm! What did I do? I had to buy a new ticket! Apparently, I had mistaken the schedule with my flight with another airline to Miri on Sunday, i.e. today. Don’t ask. Long story about back and forth. So, anyways, I attended the wedding in the afternoon – lovely wedding and bla bla – and immediately, left for Kuching on the same evening as I was supposed to attend a cousin’s wedding reception. It went well, everyone was happy to see me there. All I could think of was the money I spent moving here and there just to make everyone happy. Of course, I am happy for all of them on their joyous occasions but what about me?

This morning, I went kayaking with my instructor – hurriedly. He was kind enough to let me do the kayaking on a single-seater kayak even though this is my only second time doing kayaking. I wasn’t that confident in the first place because of my inability to properly paddle the thing and also, the nature of the river. But it went ok, I guess. I’m beginning to like this kayaking activity, even though it creates a hole in my pocket. But it distracts my mind from all the depressing thoughts I’ve had for weeks! I’m thinking of doing something crazy one day, nothing stupid but something which will be good for me. Can’t really think of it at the moment but it seems to be a good idea.

Now, I’m in Miri. Flew off here again this afternoon. No, don’t ask why I’m going back and forth withing the span of three days. I don’t even know where and when I am in at certain times of yesterday and today. Jumping not only from one place to another but also from one time to another across space can be quite confusing. Things around me can trigger unknown emotions, which I’ve not been prepared for. For instance, within the span of less than 12 hours, I’ve experienced being drunk and depressed at around 5am, displaced as I slept in my car, and then, woke up early to kayak into the rainforest, and by the afternoon, I was at the airport, on the plane and now in Miri! 24 hours ago, I was in Kuching smiling and hi-ing everyone, radiating positive vibration. Now, I’m alone, getting ready to face the next day in another different physical and perhaps, cultural landscape. Undoubtedly, the emotional landscape will be another thing.

Well, *sigh*…bring on the next day.

Yesterday was not a good day for me. I felt so down and confused with the blurry thoughts constantly buzzing in my mind. It’s been more than two months and I still can’t get over this breakup. I honestly thought that with so many experiences of being dumped, I’d be able to deal with this depression better. But I guess it doesn’t work that way. How then?

I left office early yesterday because I couldn’t see the point of working in the absence of commitment and motivation. Accompanying this feeling of uselessness are isolation, guilt, anxiety and lonliness. After changing my working clothes, I went to the local pub and drank my rounds of beers, just to loosen me up. It did but then, I got tired and went back by 11pm. Strangely, it was easier to think of happy thoughts after induced by alcohol. So, when I arrived home, I opened my bottle of JD and started drinking that as well, till I dozed off on the couch.

This morning as I drove to work, I realized how easy it is for me to switch my thoughts and feel happy or sad about certain things. I’ve always known this was possible if I put my mind to it but sometimes, the feeling doesn’t last. And that is when it could either head towards total bliss or it could just sprial downwards into the dark abyss. In my case, the dark abyss looks strangely attractive.

So, my friends would ask: “if you can switch between depression and contentment, why don’t choose the latter?” Well, I don’t think it’s that simple. The ability to switch and to choose are two different things. When you choose from an array of options, you’d realize that you are accepting the consequences of your selection and missing out on the consequences of other options. This is not the same if one is able to switch the options. Simple. To switch is to not have control over either options. So, more often than not, the tendency to switch rather than to choose is a sign of fear, fear of the consequences. For instance, if I choose joy over sadness I’d also have to accept the fact that such joy doesn’t last and therefore, if I fall, I’ll fall hard. It’s not the same if I possess the ability to switch between the two. The only problem with switching is that I won’t be able to experience either to the fullest. But do I want to experience life to the fullest? Do we?

I think it’s all about control of one’s own self in certain situations. At the moment, I seem to have no control over my thoughts and emotions. This confuses me. The tiniest of depressing thoughts could just switch my perceptions and emotions into something that isn’t real. But then again, what does one know about being ‘real’ when faced with confusion, lonliness and pain? For the moment, the ability to switch one to the other gives me a sense of control albeit a false one. That is the only thing that could keep me together for now.

Bako National Park may be one of the smallest national parks in Sarawak but it’s easily one of the best in terms of its scenery, flora collection and easily-spotted fauna species! We saw probiscus monkeys, a flying lemur, hairy-nosed otters, a Wagler’s Pit Viper, some kind of a banded coral snake (calliophis intestinalis) mischievious macaques, stingrays and of course, the wild boar.

Last weekend, two of my friends and I did the Telok Limau trail and camped for the night on the beach. This is the longest trail in Bako and probably one of the toughest jungle trekking I’ve done. Going on this trail requires the trekker to be physically and mentally fit but the latter is important. This is my fifth time going on this trail and because my two companions – Christine & Folker – were good sports, it made the journey mentally bearable for me. Once we completed the trek – 7hrs and 30mins later! – I felt a sense of achievement. All my burdensome thoughts were completely washed away. It was a definitely good weekend!

I can still remember my dream. It was the day before she said she no longer loved me. In the dream, I was content with us. I was happy. We stared at each other for so long that the world around us slowly disappeared, fading into nothingness. Then she lifted her hands and cupped my cheek, ever so gently. There were tears in her eyes. She said “Close your eyes and look around you. You will find your joy there”. I kept staring at her, smiling with elation. I said “I am staring at my joy now”. “No”, she said “just close your eyes, please”. And so I did. I saw everyone that I loved and everyone that loved me, they were all smiling at me, perhaps for me. There was a strong sense of joy, an atmosphere filled with contentment that made me cry with happiness. This is love. When I opened my eyes, she wasn’t there. I woke up crying, knowing that I’ve missed her.

Today is exactly two months since she had lost her love for me. I can still feel the pain but it’s only right that I trot along on this path to life. I put up my walls once again to cover the scar of love and learn to appreciate the dream’s aftermath. As Kahlil Gibran once said

“For even as love crowns you so shall love crucify you…But if in your fear you would seek only love’s peace and love’s pleasure, then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love’s threshing-floor, into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears”.

If I write about the haze for three consecutive days, some of you may think that I don’t have anything better to do. Well, you’re wrong. I do have something better to do. The only problem is that the haze is really bad today. The air pollution index released by the big brother in the newspaper today is between 120 and 150. This means it’s at the “unhealthy” level. The visibility is about 900 meters. Even the sun has turned red! Despite the unhealthy air that we’re breathing for the next couple of weeks (or maybe months?), the big brother does not seem to be doing anything about it. Oh, yes I am sure they’re cracking their heads at this very moment in their luxurious air-conditioned room trying to figure out how to sort out this dilemma. But where is the action resulting from this high-powered brainstorming? It’s been like this for the past 10 years and yet, I have not seen any drastic action taken against any of the perpetrators who put the smoke the air. No doubt, the insitutions concerned did produce the masterplans and rules/regulations to curb this haze problem. And I must admit that these policies look convincing, with heavy fines and imprisonmnent awaiting the felons. But where is enforcement on the ground? Yes, they can blame the farmers for open burning but will they apply the same standard to the large-scale commercial agricultural activities such as palm oil plantations or logging activities? Will they tell these reckless companies – the very same companies approved by the big brother - to stop such burning as well? If they’ve done that 10 years ago, I’d not be talking about it now.